steps:
- Observation
- Feeling
- Need
- Request
tldr: Don’t defend. Don’t fix. Just reflect their feelings + needs.
They’ll usually calm down fast if they feel heard.
NVC (Nonviolent Communication) is a super practical way to express yourself clearly and listen deeply. Here’s the 4-part model, quick and clean:
1. Observation
🧠 What happened? (Just the facts, no judgment)
✅ “You left the dishes in the sink.”
❌ “You’re so lazy.”
2. Feeling
❤️ How do I feel about it? (Your emotion, not blame)
✅ “I feel frustrated.”
❌ “I feel like you don’t care.” ← that’s actually a judgment.
3. Need
🌱 What do I need or value?
✅ “I need support in keeping the kitchen clean.”
❌ “I need you to stop being a slob.” ← again, judgment.
4. Request
📢 Clear, doable action request (not demand)
✅ “Would you be willing to do the dishes tonight?”
❌ “Can you just grow up already?”
Whole thing together:
“When I saw the dishes in the sink (observation), I felt frustrated (feeling) because I need support in keeping things tidy (need). Would you be willing to help with the dishes tonight? (request)”
Let’s try it with a real example.
My lady left her shoes in front of the door so I tripped over them.
Here’s the NVC version:
“When I saw your shoes in front of the door and tripped over them (observation), I felt annoyed and a bit hurt (feeling), because I need safety and ease moving around the house (need). Would you be willing to leave your shoes by the shoe rack instead? (request)”
Receiving with NVC
Receiving with NVC is all about hearing the other person’s feelings and needs without taking it personally or reacting defensively.
When someone comes at you (even if clumsily), you listen underneath to find:
• What did they observe?
• How do they feel?
• What do they need?
• Are they making a request?
Example:
She says:
“Ugh, you never help with the kids at bedtime!”
You (inside your NVC brain):
→ Okay, she’s probably feeling overwhelmed, maybe needs support or rest.
→ She’s expressing a need, even if the words sound like blame.
You (responding):
“Are you feeling exhausted because you need more help and downtime in the evenings?”
Boom. You just de-escalated it with empathy.
tldr: Don’t defend. Don’t fix. Just reflect their feelings + needs.
They’ll usually calm down fast if they feel heard.
Example 2:
“You need to take the kids more often. I can't do everything you know!”
Classic one. Here’s how to NVC-receive that without flinching:
What you hear underneath:
• Observation (sort of): She feels like she’s with the kids more.
• Feeling: Overwhelmed, frustrated.
• Need: Support, balance, rest.
• Request: For you to take the kids more often.
You could respond like:
“Sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed and need more support with the kids. Is that right?”
Optional follow-up (if she’s nodding or softening):
“Let’s figure out a better rhythm—when would you like me to take over more?”
Try putting it in your own words!